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Farmer -- How does a Christian act in relationships? Tuesday, August 25, 2009
How does a Christian act in relationships? Can self-sacrifice and forgiveness become destructive to a marriage or other close relationships? When does long-suffering, patience, forbearing one another with love, kindness, meekness and charity become enabling, martyrdom and stupidity? Does selflessness and self-sacrifice have limits?
The biblical injunctions to "resist not evil," "bless them that curse you," "turn the other cheek," "love your enemies," and, "love thy neighbor as thyself" implore us to not retaliate.
Our behavior can serve as an example to the offending party, soften his or her heart, and transform them into a loving, kind person. As the apostles said of Christ, "We love Him because He first loved us." Love has great power to change people.
People can sustain a loving stance over a short term in a close relationship despite the behavior of the offending party. However, sustaining a positive and loving approach to someone who is hurting us or taking advantage of us has the potential for condoning or supporting a perpetrator's destructive actions.
People become unhealthy by staying in unhealthy relationships. They tend to engage in the same "tit or tat" behaviors, to respond in kind or to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. These survival strategies interfere with their ability to give the love and goodness they want to share.
We can call attention to the offending behavior, describe it clearly and expect change. Relationships start with honesty. Giving honest feedback is a loving thing to do, especially if a relationship is suffering. Truth can be told with compassion. People need feedback on what they are doing.
The Bible tells us to forgive our enemies, not to trust them. We are to be, "wise as serpents and as harmless as doves." We don't have to put ourselves in harm's way. Forgiveness is a choice, trust is not.
Trust has to be earned. It's though repentance, a change of heart, and sustained change over time that trust returns.
Some behaviors destroy relationships -- extreme selfishness, dishonesty, adultery, abuse in all its forms, unbridled temper, and addictions. People with these personal problems need to get help through spiritual and secular means to correct their problems. Then they can become reliable in relationships.
There are some people who, because of their family backgrounds or early experiences, are demanding, jealous, controlling, insecure and try to compel love. Because of their own neediness, they take but do not give. These individuals need to get help for their basic insecurities and dysfunctional behavior before a mutual relationship based on trust and respect can be established.
If kindness and giving is based on a lack of identity, fear of abandonment, or neediness for approval and attention, it is codependency. We are, "to love our neighbors as ourselves." The pathway to that love first goes through love of self. People in this situation also need to seek help to learn to define boundaries in relationships and to develop personal strength and self-respect.
Some women have been socialized to a antiquated model of self-sacrifice devoid of personal growth and identity. Men have exploited women's natural tendency to nurture the family, children and relationships. Women give their bread to others and keep none for themselves. Unfortunately, men, adult children, siblings and friends sometimes take advantage.
Some people follow cultural and religious traditions that sanction one-sided and unequal relationships in which males feel entitled to female love and service without being equally generous. This model of self-sacrifice and excessive dependence on their husbands has encouraged male domination, selfishness and a sexist division of labor in the home.
The answer isn't female liberation and independence, but interdependence. Men and women are to be equal partners and to help one another in fulfilling their individual responsibilities. Relationships need to be based on mutual respect, equality, love, devotion, acceptance of differences, compassion, good communications, problem-solving and a life-long commitment to each other's happiness.
Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, MO. and can be contacted through his web site.
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